codependency, Detatching from your Family of Origin, family of origin issues, shedding of false self

The Person I Was Forced to Be in my Dysfunctional Family

As I dig deep to recover my life and who I truly am I  examine the person I was forced to be to survive my dysfunctional family. I want to be a woman who can show emotion not have  a stone cold expression as I have learnt to do. In my family the less you give emotionally, the less that is taken. Once they know how you feel either way you are stripped of any joy they perceive you to have or your misery is prolonged if they know you are in discomfort. I want to be a woman who does not owe anyone anything. I constantly hear what someone has given up for me or the family as a whole. But when I went over the “books” and tallied the total I “owe”,  it didn’t add up. The person who says I owe her has not helped me attain not a single goal that makes me who I am and in fact has purposefully tried to talk me out of the best achievements in my life. I am a victor not a victim. Hopelessness and victimhood are hallmarks in my family. Everyone is waiting to be delivered and an opportunity to have more based on a goodwill effort through someone other than themselves. Well I feel confident that I can go out and create my own opportunities. I don’t have to wait to be discovered or someone to appear and pave a away for me.  I want to be proud of my achievements. I’ve been forced to down play my hard work. This is something that I’ve been heavily condition to do through the important people in my life not taking me seriously. Therefore I stopped taking myself seriously. I graduated from Emory University and my mom did not even show up! I want to be a person who reacts appropriately to a situation and not be scrutinized for it. If I’m watching a comedy show I want to laugh so hard I cry without someone commenting that I’m laughing too hard. I want to enjoy being a stepmom without people thinking I am doing too much for kids who aren’t mine. I want to be a lovely wife without someone saying my husband is controlling. Basically I want to live my life free of ridicule in my inner circle of people. If I trust you and love you, then let me be free. That’s my goal to have an inner circle of family, friends and business confidents that love me and let me be. What I’ve been dealt is a family of origin who are controlling, manipulative and miserable and are dedicated to making sure we all stay at that low level of existence. I’ve elevated myself enough but in my family of origin it is a struggle to maintain what heights I have reached. They come over ready to tear down my husband and my kids. Pulling at any perceived fray in our imperfect life. Perfection is another thing I am letting go. I’m currently reading “The Everything Guide to Coping with Perfectionism” by Ellen Bowers, PhD. I’m currently on page 46 and I love this book. It has cleared up so much of what I’ve been struggling with already! I am also reading Wabi Sabi Love by Arielle Ford. I plan to share all the insight and ways of I  am applying what I read in these wonderful books. The person I am shedding is afraid to be smart, she’s timid, dowdy, shameful, guilt ridden and ungrateful. The woman I truly am is grateful. She realizes the beauty of just laying down holding her baby girl and adorable pup. Is happy to come home to a warm nicely decorated home and a loving husband. This woman, me, is full of life and ideas. I am a smart worker with an entrepreneur spirit. I am family and community orientated. I want to be weaved in the fabric of life not on the skirts of society marginalized by poor thinking.  I am reclaiming my power, voice, my personhood.