One of the most simplest reasons I detached from my family of origin was because “I wanted to do something new”. I’ve lived the first 37 years of my life in a tizzy. Mirroring the behavior that was around me. Adopting family attitudes that prevailed through the decades. As a result I had problem after problem, lost and disappointments, instability, chaos compounded with abuse and addiction. I was having a hard time maintaining employment and friendships and in my family life that was the norm. We all banded together to discuss the shortcomings of the person or the company. Not once looking in the mirror at the one person who was the problem (and the solution). As I desired real change and stability I dared to look in the mirror accepting responsibility and vowing to do the work necessary. I reached a point where I didn’t have the desire to partake in the drama anymore. Through going to codependency 12 step program I learned not to be preoccupied with other people and to focus on what I needed to do for me. So I decided to live a new inner life. An inner life that didn’t flow from problem to problem. An inner life were I expected good things instead of hard times. To do this I had to cut certain people out. The people who choose to see the worst in everything and everyone. The naysayers. The birdies who chirp in my ear pointing out all the things that are wrong.
But instead of focusing on all the things that they did to me, all the things that I don’t like about them or the relationship I simply focus on my desire to do something different and new for me. I’ve spent so much time focusing on being a daughter, a niece, a sister and an employee. Now I want to focus on being a wife, mother and entrepreneur. Detaching became freeing which is what it should be. I no longer want to feel entangled in someone’s problems or responsible for how they feel or guilty that I didn’t do what they wanted. After the 2nd fight that broke out at my house during a family get together I made the decision to have no contact and low contact with my family of origin. At first I had a lot of anxiety about it because I live less than 5 miles from all of them. We shop at the same stores, drive on the same roads, running into each other is a real possibility. But I’ve actually have only ran into them a few times and thankfully the phone calls and text have been very minimum. I’m grateful to that and I’ve used that to keep me focused on making better decisions for me and the life I am rebuilding.
My family still doesn’t really get what I am doing. They think I’m mad or holding a grudge or just being stubborn. They feel that no matter what we should stick together. Even if people are truly hurting and ultimately we’re all living very limited lives for the sake of sticking together. Yet I don’t point this out. I don’t focus on it. I merely focus on doing something new. And my new does not include them. Whatever reasons they think why is not my issue.