The Audacity of a Dysfuctional Family, Uncategorized

Dysfunctional Families Have No Sense of Appropriateness

I am often bewildered by the requests I get from my family of origin. They ask for the most inappropriate things and then get mad at me for saying no. Most of the time they get so infuriated and will not allow me to explain why I am upset that they would even ask me to begin with. Once I was at a furniture store with my aunt and she saw a woman whose butt, yes butt, she wanted ME to take a picture of. Where do you even begin with that? Obviously, I said no. She then shoved me and said she wanted to go home. I was baffled. Why did she want a picture of this ladies butt? Why did she ask me to take it?  Why was she the one upset in the end? This was one of those events that made me see how she was getting other people to do her misdeeds. Then her demanding to go home because I wouldn’t do it was a further insult because it was my planned trip to get things for my new home. I didn’t need her to be there she asked to come with me. Every situation with her has this high potential to become chaotic. Things went from a positive trip about decorating a new home to a pornographic request to take a picture of a woman’s butt. I am still baffled about the request and the randomness of it. In my family of origin nothing seems to be off limits and there is no sense of appropriateness. My husband and I decided to open our wedding gifts in front of our immediate family the day after our wedding. We got about $1000 in cash and checks. I kid you not barely a week later my mom asks to borrow $400. I told her I didn’t have it to loan and then she brought up my wedding money she saw me open. It felt like I couldn’t have anything or I can’t be open about what I do have. To ask to borrow a daughters wedding money just feels cruel. When I said no and began to explain how this request was making me feel, she caught me off saying she didn’t need a  lecture. It brought up so many past birthday’s where she would spend my birthday money or pawn any thing of value. The utter lack of consideration to me leaves me speechless. I got married on 8/31, my birthday is 8/17 and I was told by my family that they would not celebrate anything related to my birthday because they felt I was getting too much attention for the wedding. Who tell someone they are getting too much attention? It’s not like every year I have a wedding and a birthday. It was one day! In my family when it comes to certain people they say whatever they want and expect no rebuttal. I’ve decided I am tired of being verbally ambushed. Good natured events like buying furniture, getting married, receiving wedding gifts are undercut with inappropriate comments and demands. You never know what you are going to get with this group but I can almost guarantee its going to be uncomfortable.

Detatching from your Family of Origin, no contact, Uncategorized

Every Family Has Problems Right?

“Every family has problems” is what my mom says every time I try to keep my distance from our family. “So what your aunt went through your phone when you accidently left it at her house. Then shared with us your text messages from the fight with your husband” You should still want to be with us. Why don’t you call? Why don’t you text? Everyone goes through this? I don’t know but to me this feels like a kick in the gut. It feels embarrassing and invasive. I’m tired of always having to forgive someone who purposefully crosses the line and could care less how I feel and how their actions/words affect me, my kids and my husband. My mom is insistent that I am being stubborn or difficult. Things like that happen so frequently and consistently it becomes normal. I constantly am expected to forgo my feelings and just go with the flow. This has been the expectation of my life in my family of origin and sadly the things that happen feel normal. I’ve been very isolated their are only 5 family members in my immediate family of origin. We had little outside influences on how we operate. It wasn’t until I got married and started attending other family functions that I saw a lighter side a life. A side were people can have a good time and not sit and sulk. My family sulks at every event from someone’s birthday, graduation, wedding, whatever event is going on you are guaranteed someone is in the corner frowning waiting for attention and then coming up with a way to get it. The person who does not go along with us and demands respect for the event that is taken places is considered dramatic and selfish. My mom pleads, next time will be different, we’ve changed. That’s not going to happen anymore.  Well 30+ years later it’s still the same pattern. It’s almost clock work and I can feel the wave of drama crashing in. It wasn’t until I got a taste of something different did I see the need to leave this situation. My in-laws are not perfect by any means but they can almost guarantee a consist and predictable good time. No worries of my mother-in-law cursing me out, going through my personal belongings…When I see here or any of them we can have a lively conversation everyone is engaged and no one is sulking in the corner plotting to steal the show.  As I put it blunt I’m cutting my loses and just letting go of a family that is not working to focus my energy on a family that does work. I no longer feel that every family has chaos and drama. I don’t feel that life has to be miserable or something to endure and put up with abusive relatives.  I am no longer blindly accepting the normalcy of chaos in a situation where people are purposefully being harmful.